11:30 p.m. - August 21, 2006
You know the ones that you wake up feeling like it actually happened. Those vivid dreams that wake you up very emotional. I have had them often in my life as a mother.
While I was pregant I kept having them with respect to carnival rides/amusement parks. I'm not sure if I've actually journaled about it but my friends make fun of me because I will not let my kids get on rides of that sort because of those dang silly dreams. We have debates about the chances of dying on those rides being slimmer than a car accident....but they don't convince me as I'm scared they may be a premonition (silly huh?)....and the debates continue.
Okay back to my dream... It was about tornados. Tornados with a killer streak that would seek out humans and chase after them until they were sucked up. I had my son and my daughter was with her aunt and I had to try to find a safe place for us. People were running wild, looking for shelter and as you looked out the window you could see multiple tornados sucking up people and houses where they sensed someone hiding.
It was impossible to find a safe place because there were people everywhere and so it was easy to be found. Eventually after what seemed forever of hiding and running with a 5 yr old, I found what I thought was a safe place but the house caved in on top of us. As I see that it is about to fall on us, I tell my son to be brave, not to cry. I warn him that it will hurt....he doesn't make it. He ends up dying.
I then have to try to find my daughter to see if she is safe but I don't want to live anymore. I don't even want to survive the tornados. I walked out in the open, hoping for those damn things to take me, to relieve me of my suffering, but I'm totally ignored...and survive it all. I eventually find my daughter with my husband. For a second, I'm happy again when I see her and relieved she is alive but I could feel me dying inside. I wake up just as my husband is realizing my son didn't make it.
I woke up in tears. It is so hard to convey the emotions I was feeling.
I used to think it was selfish of a mother to commit suicide literally or just die inwardly after a death of a child when there was a surviving child. I almost could sympathize now.
That morning I was grateful for the nagging 5 year-old that whines because his tag from his shirts bother him and the tag in his underwear needs to be torn off, AND more whining because his socks were bulging in his shoes. What usually bothers the f**k out of me, that morning I was so happy I had to deal with it.
And you can bet I won't be visiting Kansas any time soon! ;)